The Reach Of Our Habits: Building New Relationship Muscles

The reach of our habits is surprisingly broad. I didn’t realize just how true this was until earlier this week.  I made an offhanded comment to my Cousin Kim while visiting her home in Grafton, WV. Kim is one of my favorite humans, and it never feels like we’ve missed a beat when we see each other—it’s always been that way. 

When we got up to take a selfie with my wife and brother, as the phone was pointed toward our faces, she said, “Let’s Facetime, Marla.” Marla is Kim’s sister and lives in Kentucky. Within seconds, we were in a “face-to-face” conversation. My wife asked, “Why don’t we Facetime more often?” Without thinking, I said, “Probably because we’re not on Facebook anymore.”

Kim quickly responded that I didn’t need to be on Facebook to use Facetime. Of course, she is right. However, I instantly realized that withdrawing from the social networks that make it easy to connect and deleting their apps from my iPhone profoundly affected my iPhone use. 

Last week, I wrote about some positive habits I was bringing forward from 2024 to 2025, such as meditation, splitting meals, and lifting weights. Habits do not exist in isolation; they form chains and networks and often influence each other subtly and profoundly. 

Coincidentally, after writing those habit posts, I noticed that on December 30, 2024, Peter Atillia had reposted an old conversation with James Clear. James Clear is the author of Atomic Habits, and the podcast was about building and changing habits. I have not read Atomic Habits, but I can assure you it will be one of the next books I consume.

Habits Never Operate In Isolation

I learned from their conversation that one habit can act as a gateway, giving rise to others that grow in its shadow, some welcome and others unintended. Take, for example, the simple habit of reaching for our phones. What begins as an impulse to check the time or respond to a message quickly becomes a cascade of behaviors: scrolling through social media, checking notifications, or aimlessly hopping between apps. One dopamine hit leads to another. Before we know it, these behaviors solidify into habits of their own. I know you know what that feels like. That is the reach of our habits.

In 2020, when I decided to leave all Meta platforms, such as Facebook, Instagram, etc., I thought it would be a straightforward decision—a move to reclaim time and mental space and distance myself from the disinformation that was and is still rampant. However, as the days turned into weeks, I noticed the absence of those platforms rippling through other areas of my life in unexpected ways.

One of the most surprising revelations was the state of my “relationship” muscles. Over the years, I had consciously and unconsciously allowed these platforms to mediate so much of my social experience. They had become the default way I kept up with friends and family, marked milestones, and expressed empathy. Without them, I realized I had grown out of practice with more direct forms of connection—a phone call, a handwritten note, or even a heartfelt one-on-one conversation. My relationship muscles had atrophied, they are still atrophied.  It is going to take effort and intention to rebuild them.

Leaving Facebook should have also created opportunities. Without the constant stream of curated updates and algorithmically suggested interactions, I should have taken that extra time to rethink what maintaining a relationship meant to me. I should have immediately begun to seek out unmediated experiences. But I didn’t. That has to change. 

Voting For The Type Of Person I Want To Be

This experience underscored another truth about habits they spoke about in the podcast: they are evidence of our identity. James Clear noted in the conversation that every action we take is a vote for the type of person we wish to become. The habits we cultivate are not just about efficiency or convenience; they shape who we are and how we interact with the world. When I left Facebook, I was voting for a more intentional and present version of myself.

Breaking the habit of social media wasn’t supposed to just be about avoiding something negative; it was about creating space for something better. It was about moving from a mediated, passive way of engaging with the world to a more active and deliberate approach. I’ve been slow to form those new habits. Way too slow.

The habits we form don’t just impact us—they shape how we connect with others, how we show up in relationships, and, ultimately, the kind of communities we build. I realized at that moment with my Cousin Kim that I had not intentionally replaced the bad habits formed on Facebook with new habits that would develop and sustain more meaningful relationships. 

Now, as I sit here writing and reflecting on the reach of our habits, I’m reminded of the importance of being the architect of MY habits rather than their victim. Choosing which habits to nurture is an act of identity and agency. Leaving Facebook was a step toward reclaiming that agency—a step that, in hindsight, has had a far-reaching and transformative impact. Just not in the way I had intended.

It’s time to turn that into something better.