A middle-aged male runner was coming toward me, heading the opposite direction. Our eyes met and we greeted each other with a quick, “good morning.” A bit later, a middle-aged man was tending to his flowers a few yards ahead of me. As I ran by, I said good morning and I waved, but he did not wave back. He never looked up from his gardening.
These incidents have repeated themselves over and over the past few months. I’ve logged hundreds of miles on the streets around my house in that time frame and I’ve noticed a pattern. Other runners will return or initiate a greeting almost 100% of the time, with or without direct eye contact. People on bikes will do so only about 80% of the time and people working in their yards will return or initiate a greeting only about 30% of the time.
I have a theory about why this pattern exists. It is based in our individual recognition of community. Other runners and walkers see me as part of their community, so they are eager and willing to engage in the casual greeting, stranger or not. Bikers have their own community and often ride in groups, but we have some overlap as a community of people who are out getting exercise, so they greet me fairly consistently as well, if they’re not head down, pressing toward their own goals, or in conversation with their already established group.
The people who are working in their yards, even though we live in the same community, don’t see me as part of their community. If I’m running, that action seems to signal to them that I may not really be their neighbor. I could be coming from miles away, and so there is no immediate community bond. I say this because if I’m walking, the percentage of people in their yards who initiate or return a greeting increases dramatically. My actions are different, my pace is different, and their response is different. We have more time to recognize each other.
Pace is only part of the issue.
When I was growing up, if you drove down Turner Road in Grafton, WV, literally everyone waved as you passed by. It was rude, and odd, if you didn’t. We’d wave at passing cars we’d never seen before. We’d wave at people we didn’t know. We looked for opportunities to wave. And our behavior was rewarded with a smile and a wave back. Anyone travelling on that road was part of our community, stranger or not.
That was 40 years ago. It’s only partially true today. A Super Walmart was built at the end of Wickwire Road and now Turner Road is a short cut if you’re driving on Route 310 from Fairmont to the megastore. The act of driving down Turner Road no longer signals that you’re part of the community. You may just be someone going to Walmart.
This translates easily to online communities. Every action we take online signals that we’re part of some community. The conversations we participate in, the photos we post, the places we frequent, they all indicate what community or communities we identify with. And by definition, our actions either restrict who we see as part of our community or expand our community boundaries.
I have a lot of real estate friends on Facebook, for example. I often watch them write status update after status update about their business, posting listings and comments about how happy they are to be showing homes or about their most recent sale. Some do a great job of weaving those in and around other more personal and diverse status updates, and some spend the vast majority of their time posting things that could only appeal to the real estate community directly, or to someone who might actively be seeking a home to buy or sell, or to their mom.
And that realization has me asking some questions. What communities do I belong to? What communities do I want to belong to? How do I let them know I’m in their community? How can I do a better job of recognizing others in that community? How can I do a better job of waving to the cars as they pass by?
When I’m running, if I make eye contact with someone, whether they are running, walking, riding a bike, or working in their yard, they are more likely to return a greeting. It’s very hard to ignore someone who is looking you in the eye and saying good morning or waving to you. While it’s easier to ignore someone online, I think the same principle holds true.
How do you make eye contact online?
When I make eye contact while someone is talking with me it says, “I’m listening to you. It’s just you and me in this conversation.” And the key to online eye contact is listening. It’s about talking with someone, not just to someone or at someone. It allows them to understand, clearly, that you recognize that they are there and that you care. I don’t have to initiate a conversation to do that, but I have to be willing to have one.
I’ve written a lot about listening in the past. And, in truth, I often forget its importance online. And I fear that, often, I’m a lot like that guy tending to his flowers as people run by online. They’re waving and saying good morning and I’m not recognizing it. I need to look up more, smile, and say good morning back.
“It’s very hard to ignore someone who is looking you in the eye and saying good morning or waving to you.”
Look someone in downtown Seattle (or downtown Anywhere, probably) in the eye and say, “Good morning!” and they’ll look at you like you have three heads. But sometimes, every once in awhile, someone will smile, look at you back and say, “Thanks! G’morning to you too!” and that makes it all worth it.
Yet another terrific piece Jeff!
I want to figure out how I look more people in the eye and say good morning online, Jay. And thank you. 🙂
So, the moral of the story is that Walmart destroys communities. Good to know 🙂
I knew you’d get it right away, Todd.
I’m a member in good standing of the Curmudgeon Community. The great thing about that community is that no one talks to or listens to anyone else. It saves a lot of time. One only needs to learn one word – “BAH” – to communicate effectively and maintain one’s standing in the community. Bah is broad in its meaning and implications. Like Aloha, or Shalom. Mostly it means, “Yeah, I heard you, now get the hell out of my way.” Another great thing about being a curmudgeon is that one’s expectations are always low. That prevents a lot of disappointment. So curmudgeons tend to be happier inside than a lot of rosy cheeked, cheerleading optimists that talk positively but are secretly miserable and conflicted. Bah to them.
Jeff, I know that you know that I’m kidding. I just hope the people who read this know that as well. What you wrote is right on. There is much more on this subject of acknowledgement than what we experience in our culture. There are tribes in Africa, for example, where the act of acknowledging another is necessary to bring that person into existence, into life itself. So there is power and responsibility in the process of acknowledging another and the experiencing of coming to life, to becoming real and relevant by the person being acknowledged.
Communication – effective communication, verbally and energetically – is a potent yet often misunderstood, overlooked element in being alive and successful in this world.
Jeff another great Thought Provoking observation from you. I am confident that you make eye contact with your observations, advice and suggestions…..to underline this point….about three or four years ago I was just a novice blogger on Active Rain and I noticed a great deal of comments that could have been and in some cases caused people to fade away from the platform…you wrote a Post about cautioning people to not get disenchanted with some of the harsh comments by various individuals, but focus on their own goals and objective. I thought that was very good and I have been a fan ever since.
Endre, thank you for that and for stopping by and giving a little wave. It’s appreciated. 🙂
Everybody in the south smiles and waves… There is definitely a regional component. When I moved from CA to NC I was caught off guard at how people greeted strangers so differently. My children would ask “do you know that person… why are they waving at us?”. They were used to bring ignored. Here in the south we are “up in every bodies business”… You get used to it 🙂
Love this. So fitting and follows a chat I had with Lauren last week about my days as a Real Estate Agent in Manly Brisbane. It was so hard to drive with 2 hands on the steering wheel. I was forever waving and acknowledging other locals and even the newbies to our town as I drove or walked around.. Its great for business and very soothing for the heart. I think we all need to give and get a bit more acknowledgement and listening back into our communities, on and off line. The world would be a much better place with a bit more listening and love. Thanks Baldy. Another great post! You should do this stuff for a living. 🙂 <3
As is often the case, a lot of the stuff I write is really directed at me. I have felt for some time that I’ve had my had down, tending to my garden. Time to look up and say hi to the neighbors.
I think gardeners see runners as the people who may trample on their flowers. When they come out and see trampled flowers they see “that runner!” maybe having done it. So you are “the enemy” even if it was the neighbor’s dog or kid. You are something with big feet, that are moving fast, that can trample on their many hours of loving and caring hard work.
This insight from my Mom lamenting over trampled flowers. She basically blamed anything that moved past her house. 🙂
LOL
The awareness of the surrounding people is directly related to the level of stress and focus of both parties. I am a person who likes gardening and will greet anyone who is inclined to greet me and I am often enough met with a cheery reciprocation. This however is not so if I am under pressure and just wish to finish my garden due to other tasks I have and am attempting to keep some form of schedule. In my line of work I deal with stressed out people who are under some form of pressure for the most part, of moving. This has different effects on my clients as some move through the excitement of a new home and others for example are having landlord or spousal issues. Either way I approach every person with an equal attitude and am forced to adjust depending on the moods I am confronted with. Stress and community relations are directly relevant to the individual. Statistics are unstable in most of these situations as the mentality can differ from day to day, moment to moment, for each individual. Eye contact is completely relevant to the task at hand of the individuals being greeted, if their attention is focused then the eye contact will not be met, disregarding whatever mood they may posess in that moment.